I think I’m in this exact same frame of mind...

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I think I’m in this exact same frame of mind except I’m in the stage where I can’t articulate anything that I am feeling so thanks to tumblr I can be all “oh yea goddamnit, THAT’S EXACTLY IT”

whitebitch, here’s a huge creepy internet high five for hitting the nail right on the head.

thatwhitebitch:

Adele | Someone Like You

I downloaded Adele’s “21” and I feel nothing when I hear this song. I feel like I’m at a really intimate wedding where the bride and groom only invited 30 of their closest friends and family and I was lucky enough to be one of them and we’re all sitting in this outdoor space and there’s so much love swirling around and it’s 4pm in August and the sun is just starting to descend and everyone is tearing up and grabbing each other’s hands as the ceremony is coming to a close and I’m just sitting there like, “I hope I didn’t leave the iron plugged in.”

I’ve been trying for almost two years to get to this place. To not feel. I felt punched in the heart and face and throat after my last major breakup (like everyone else in the world) and I turned it all off. I made a conscious decision to not get sad for a while. I turned everything off. I found the switch and I flipped it. I wanted to use this meantime for surface things. Casual sex. Drinks. Laughing. Acquiring things. But nothing else. No warmth. I didn’t want anything warm near me.

I built a fortress.

And I’m writing this to say that I’ve been cool with that. I’ve been having a really cool time with my cool friends and my cool career kind of just started carving itself out in front of me and it’s all super cool. It’s cool.

But when I heard this song swell and heard the familiar sounds of a song that sounds like it should make me sob and I was only like

it was kind of jarring. And part of me, as sick and naive as this may sound, is really proud of myself for getting here. Strength is very important to me. But I’m not quite sure if it’s strength that I’ve been working on.

I’m not even sure what I’m really saying. Maybe sometimes you just need a really safe place of your own to come home to where a boy isn’t constantly fucking your shit up. Maybe sometimes you just go through parts of your life where you need to live in a castle. You just need to. You need to remember what you like and who you are and who you wanted to be when you grew up.

I guess I do feel something when I hear this song. I’m just not throwing up and crying over a toilet like I might have been a couple years ago. And like, I know “no guts, no glory” and shit and I think I’ll get there again. But even if I don’t feel anything when I hear this song right now, I don’t know if I’m ready to cross the moat yet (THEMES!). Do you get to choose when you want to go?

Maybe there’s a medium between feeling nothing and wanting to throw yourself off a balcony from heartache. Still figuring it out.